I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
