I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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