I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
