Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
