Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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