so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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