I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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