she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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