shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize