a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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