I faked an abortion last night.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
