He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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