if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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