"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
