Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
