remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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