Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
