tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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