i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
