Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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