I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
