I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
