She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
