I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
