My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize