your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
