I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
