Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
