I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
