Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
