I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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