And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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