You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
