every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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