you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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