Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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