I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
