We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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