I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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