hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
