Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
