So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
