The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
should my penis look like a turkey
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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