What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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