We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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