I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
