i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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