Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize