I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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