I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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