I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
