I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
