Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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