Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
