i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
