if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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